Small Town Survival: Making Friends in a Small Town

Well, now that you have mastered the art of choosing a name and finding food, you certainly must now learn how to make friends.  There are a few rules you must follow to ensure that you don’t end up a part of the Hardees’ crowd (see post on “the restaurant decision”).

1. There are no acquaintances in a small town. There are friends; there are enemies; and there is family.  You do not just run in to someone and choose to ignore them because you have only met them briefly in line at the grocery store once two months ago.  No!  You must act as though everyone you meet has been your best friend since birth.  Because, if you alienate too many people (or even just the wrong few) you will be left to join the fast food crowd.
2. You must smile at everyone. Refusing to smile, nod, or in some pleasant way acknowledge the other’s presence is seen as the epitome of rudeness.  People without manners will have few friends in a small town.  So, whether driving by a total stranger who is unloading groceries out of their car or waiting in line at the store, whether you are on the phone or completely stressed out, whether you have six screaming kids or are alone, you must do this!  (As a cultural side note: race, gender, and age have no play in this – everyone means everyone!)
3. You must make small talk at all times. The grocery store clerk, the preacher after church, the lady washing her hands in the restroom all expect some amount of small talk.  Even if the jerk in question ran over your prize schnauzer last week and never acknowledged the incident, you must act as though you are delighted to see him/her.  Here are a few good options for small talk:

• Flattery: “Hey Mary Catherine, you’re looking great!” “Oh Janice, is that a new blouse?”
• Family: “Hi Johnny, how’s the family?”  “Oh Margaret, how are the boys?”
• Heat/humidity: “Honestly Mary Ann, can you believe this heat!” “It’s hotter than a Baptist funeral in here!”
• Manly Sports: “Hey Billy, been fishin’ lately?” “Hey Malcolm, you make it out for duck/deer/whatever-relevant-game season?”

Following these simple rules you should be on your way to making friends (or at least offending fewer people) in your small town adventures.  Best of luck to you!

Next Post: Finding the Right Friends in a Small Town

Small Town Survival: The Grocery Store

One of the essential aspects of small town life is food.  In the small town south especially, all relationships are based on food.

There are two important factors to consider in all gastronomic endeavors of a small town:

1. Where you eat.
2. Who you eat with.

The food itself is only a side item next to these two main courses.  So let’s look at them more deeply:

In any small town there will likely be few options for where to get food, but there should always be the following options: a grocery store or quick mart, a chain restaurant,  and a family restaurant.  Let’s look into the first one today:

The grocery store or quick mart

The options here will range from the smallest of the small towns 7Mart, IGA Hometown Proud, or Piggly Wiggly (affectionately known as “The Pig”) to the more upper class and noticeably cleaner Ingles, Kroger, or CVS.  When given the option of a grocery store, it is important to consider the following points:

What part of the town is the store in? An important point to consider when selecting a food mart is where the store is located.  Due to good, healthy American competition, most small towns now grant you the option of at least 2 grocery stores or quick marts.  When considering where to get your food, consider who you would be most likely to see at one place rather than the other.  (This is also useful when trying to avoid particular people.)

What time of day am I going? When you go to the store also determines who you will see there.  For example: A Wednesday mid-morning trip ensures you a strong gathering of Baby Boomers while a Sunday afternoon will get you the parents of small, whiny children.  Just as importantly, a Friday evening will give you the “small town thug” crowd known in urban areas as teenagers.

This is important to consider not because of how long the white-haired granny and screaming child make it through the checkout line, but because people in a small town are a resource.  You need them.  So consider, who do I need most this week: elderly, middle-aged, or youth?

Small Town Survival: Naming Your Small Town Boy

Naming your child in a small town may be one of the most important decisions a parent makes.  Just as many Native Americans communities used naming as a symbol of one’s life purpose, a name in a small town says a lot about who you are and who/what you will become.

There are simple formulas for one to follow in order to obtain a high quality small town name.  And remember from the last post: Family is important.  With that said, a good small town name should include as much family as possible.

For Boys

• Copy someone else. The fastest way to name a small town child is to reuse a name that has been passed down for several generations.   While this could be confusing, a simple nickname makes all the difference.  For example: A child with the name “George Addington Edistow Jacobs” was born in 1760 and when he grew up he named his son “George Addington Edistow Jacobs, Jr.”   When “George Addington Edistow Jacobs, Jr.” had a son, he changed his Jr. to a Sr. and named his son “George Addington Edistow Jacobs, Jr.” and called him “J.R.” and when “J.R.” had a son he named him “George Addington Edistow Jacobs III” and called him “Trey.”

So the family line is:
“George Addington Edistow Jacobs” –>
“George Addington Edistow Jacobs, Jr./Sr.” –>
“George Addington Edistow Jacobs, Jr.” called “J.R.” –>
“George Addington Edistow Jacobs, III” called “Trey”

When justifying the name to your adult child, you may find it useful to remind him that it is a “family name” that preserves your “hertiage” as a small town Southern family.  This is easier if you teach your child the song “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” growing up.

• Research obscure family names. In particularly good taste for males, these names can be anything that most people would only think of in reference to the 1800’s.   For example: Stovall, Absalom, or Fletcher.
• Use a last name as a first name.  If no obscure family names come up in your research, create your own obscure family name by using a surname as a first name.  For example: Hunt, Russell, Hopkins, Mason, or Garner can easily transition from surname to first name while maintaining the family connections.
• Name him after a historical figure from the Confederacy.  When family names seem to fail, look back over Confederate history and name your child after someone who seemed moderately successful.  Good choices include Stonewall Jackson, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee, and Wade Hampton.  A good Confederate name never fails, regardless of whether you have paid your dues to Sons of the Confederacy this year.

Small Town Survival: Having Opinions

Living in a small town is not for everyone, which is why so many people need the information posted here.  If you find yourself in a small town, you are likely among the unfortunate majority of people living there that believes that “there is nothing to do” and that “no where is as boring as name-of-small-town”.

Posts for the next few weeks will include a brief list of ways one can survive life in a small town.

1. Have opinions.

Believe it or not, people in small towns like opinionated people.  The catch in a small town, however, is that you must not piss everyone off or you will become a social outcast.  (Note: being a social outcast in a small town means you have literally no friends as there are not enough social outcasts who have not already been chased out-of-town by some other means (pitchfork, fire, social slander)…

Proper opinions to have:

1. Republicans are good – Most small town people in the South East USA will agree with you if you firmly hold the opinion that, “Obama is destroying our country!”  It does not matter if you have any idea how Obama is destroying the country or even who Obama is, so long as you appear to hold this belief dear to your heart.
2. Socialism and Communism are the deepest evils (other than liberals).– Another quality statement to gain Southern Small Town Honor is  “Socialized healthcare is just one step closer to communism!”  Now, the most educated liberals out there cringe at the idea of socialism and communism being used together in the same phrase.  This is no problem in the small town as “socialism” and “communism” are merely buzz words used to evoke fear and show extreme hatred for something.  For example, “That football coach is a communist!” Very few, if any, small town folk will know what you are talking about if you engage them in a debate over the true historical meaning of the two words.  Doing this will likely get you deemed a Communist or Socialist (or worse a liberal) and socially ostracized.
   

   Family First . . . All of the Family

3. Family First – Whether your family is good or bad, abusive or loving, functional or completely off-balance, every good Small Town Southerner will tell you that family is most important.  This is true even of those whose families have somehow managed to leave the small town.  In fact, those whose families leave are the most likely to engage you in a 3 hour conversation about how “Johnny is in law school” or “EmmaLouise just had her third baby.  His name is Johnny Evelyn Alwright the Third, but we call him Trey.”
4. Joining a Socially Enraged Boycott. – “Can you believe Elanor said that about Lucy?  I will never go to her store again.”  Once someone does or says something in a small town, it is only socially apt to continue the outrage for several years through socially enraged boycotts of small businesses and refusing to invite the individual, his/her spouse, cousins, and social group to any functions in the community.  The goal of this is not to have the individual shamed into apology, but rather to prove the power of the other individual’s family and society.  In its truest form, the social outrage will result in Elanor’s business failing due to the boycott of Lucy’s friends and family.

Next post: Naming Your Small Town Child